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Super Bowl 46 Halftime Show: The LIst Of Who Has Played And The LIst of Who Should Play

January 7th, 2012 · Music

It came as no surprise that Madonna was slated to be the Super Bowl 46 halftime act. Why? Quite simply stated, out of the global-music mega-stardom-talent-pool, it’s her turn. Most of the other musical acts with huge personas, sales, and international appeal have already performed at halftime: Prince, The Stones, Paul McCartney, ZZ Top, Aerosmith, U2, Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen. But there is a phenomenon called the “Non Rock Act Super Bowl Halftime Curse”. The phenomenon can be easily understood in four words: The Black Eyed Peas.

Look, there’s a sad truth about the Super Bowl halftime show and it is this: older rock acts kick ass and newer pop acts blow. Prince put on the most scorching Super Bowl half time show ever hands down. When he was through people around me said, “Man, forget the second half of the game, make Prince keep playing.” Same deal with the Stones and Paul McCartney. Everybody wanted more! When the Black Eyed Peas performed…people around me were hooting and saying things like, “Are you kidding me? These guys aren’t even good enough to be children’s entertainers. Bring on the Wiggles, already.” Sadly, the only well seasoned rock act to really blow at halftime was The Who. They were soundly thrashed for their performance by even The Who fans I know. But The Who were saved from lasting ignominy because they played the year before the Black Eyed Peas and the Black Eyed Peas were so god awful everyone forgot all about The Who for all time. The new standard for the god-awful halftime show was set by the Peas. Oh, and the Justin Timberlake/Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction”…well you just can’t take these kids anywhere! How can you sell cars to Christians with the children in the room when an African American woman is disrobing on the 50 yard line! That’s not entertainment!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…MADONNA!!!

Madonna has some pressure on her right now to deliver a money set of great music with a crowd galvanizing performance a la the Stones and Sir Paul. Can she do it? Maybe. Because remember: she is firmly in the pop/dance act camp of Janet and the Peas; the camp that has failed so miserably to carry off their halftime show duties. Madonna faces the additional pressure of having to grab the attention of NASCAR rubes, anti-pop classic rockers, seniors, and Christians who would rather see Tim Tebow pray at halftime than some white chick jumping around named, well, Madonna. For wagering purposes, like the point spread or the over/under, let’s say Prince, the Stones, and Paul McCartney are 10 rated half time performers (with 10 being the highest possible rating a halftime band or performer can earn). Let’s also say for halftime show performance ratings The Who is 1 and the Black Eyed Peas are 0 (with 1 being the lowest rating possible but a zero meaning “you suck like the Black Eyed Peas”) I’d wager Madonna can pull off a solid 6 if she plays it straight, an 8 if she truly understands the audience and milieu and plays to that, but a 2 if she goes the I’m-Madonna- pop-performer-ego-diva-superstar-trip. Betting on the halftime show might just put some money in some pockets this year. Me, I think Madonna will shoot for the 10 but pull off a 5.

HALFTIME OVEER THE YEARS

Between 1967 and 1991 Super Bowl halftime shows featured marching bands, drill teams, Up With People, “Air Force Entertainment,” cheese ball celebrities like George Burns, Carol Channing, and Mickey Rooney, even an Elvis impersonator called Elvis Presto. Interspersed here and there were singers and musicians of some renown such as Pete Fountain, Ella Fitzgerald, and Chubby Checker. These musicians were accomplished artists in their genres but not the mass appeal musical acts that we’ve come to know and expect for half time Super Bowl extravaganzas. It wasn’t until 1991 that something interesting happened and the modern Super Bowl halftime show as we know it today was born.

Super Bowl 25 was played at Tampa Stadium in Tampa, Florida and the producer of the halftime show was Walt Disney and Coca-Cola. The featured musical act was New Kids On The Block. This was where it all started; when Mickey Mouse called up the Kids and said, “Hey, let’s have a Coke and a smile.” And after those New Kids, well, here’s the list of Super Bowl half time performers from 1992 to 2011 along with various personal comments such as “remember,” “don’t remember, ” or “vaguely remember,” etc. If I do remember the band/artist’s performance, I will award my Super Bowl halftime show score of 1 through 10. (In a little side note: The Kids didn’t play their halftime show until AFTER the Super Bowl because of ABC news coverage about Desert Storm).

1992 Gloria Estefan (don’t remember)
1993 Michael Jackson (vaguely remember)
1994 Clint Black Tanya Tucker Travis Tritt The Judds (don’t remember thank God and Jim Beam)
1995 Indiana Jones and Marion Ravenswood Teddy Pendergrass Tony Bennett Miami Sound Machine (don’t remember and WTF)
1996 Diana Ross (don’t remember)
1997 Blues Brothers ZZ Top James Brown Catherine Crier (remember) Score: 3
1998 Boyz II Men Smoky Robinson Martha Reeves The Temptations Queen Latifah (no interest/ignored show/probably went to bar to get shot and scream “Elway!”)
1999 Gloria Estefan Chaka Khan Stevie Wonder Kiss Big Bad Voodoo Daddy (no interest/ignored show)
2000 Phil Collins Christina Aguilera Enrique Iglesias Toni Braxton Edward James Olmos (ignored show/left room)
2001 Ben Stiller Adam Sandler Chris Rock Aerosmith N’Sync Brittney Spears Mary J Blige Nelly (entertainment-induced vomiting on couch) Score: 0
2002 U2 (remember) Score: 5
2003 Shania Twain No Doubt Sting (remember and remember thinking: “Smite us all now, oh Lord.”) Score: 1
2004 Janet Jackson P Diddy Justin Timberlake Nelly Kid Rock (remember and remember most cleaning the television screen of beer and Mexican-themed Fiesta dip sprayed/ thrown by Super Bowl houseguests ) Score: 0
2005 Paul McCartney (TOTALLY remember) Score: 10
2006 Rolling Stones (REMEMBER) Score 10
2007 Prince (TOTALLY REMEMBER) Score: 10
2008 Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (remember) Score: 8
2009 Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band (remember) Score: 5
2010 The Who (remember) Score: 1
2011 The Black Eyed Peas Usher Slash (remember) Score: -4 (The Black Eyed Peas suck so badly they couldn’t hold together a cable access children’s puppet show. Ye gods were they a major joke)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…THE LIST!

I look at that list and think to myself, “This isn’t rocket science! Get bands and artists that don’t suck!” Here is the list of bands that should have ALREADY appeared at the Superbowl- bands big enough to play the big game

1) AC/DC Please. Is any explanation at all necessary? Please,
2) Ozzy Every stadium in the known universe plays Crazy Train at every football game. So, let’s all hear it live at the biggest game. Done.
3) Pink Floyd Would you even want to get back to the game if Waters and Gilmour re-united for this gig? I thought not.
4) The Eagles The band will be touring all 2012 to commemorate their 40th anniversary. The band will be tight, disciplined, and sounding great. While we’re at it, let Joe Walsh play the Star Spangled Banner to open the game…a life changing bonus right there!
5) Fleetwood Mac WITH Christine McVie Great songs, great energy, and all the rest.

So come on, accept no substitutes for great music at the Super Bowl. Bring on the greats.

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The Clock Has Expired On Tebow Time

January 2nd, 2012 · Sports

“Tim Tebow good quarterback is not.”

Yoda discussing Tim Tebow

So much became in-your-face obvious in the Denver Bronco’s home loss to the Kansas City Chiefs that even the Tebow faithful must be able to read the writing on the stone tablet: Thou shall not win against the Steelers. “And the prophet of the gridiron did declare unto the false believers of the Horse, ‘Yay, and hear unto me for it is foreseen: Tebow is done, for he has shown himself to be a false idol and so shall he be cast out and a new chosen one brought forth.’ ” Yeah, little Timmy T was fun for his short run but in the long run, he’s done.

Man, what an ugly way to advance to the playoffs; so ugly, in fact, that any respectable Bronco fan with a minimal understanding of the game is thinking, “Man, Champ Bailey is right on. These guys need a serious reality slap. They didn’t earn their way anywhere. They just happened to float to the top of the AFC West slop bucket and sloshed their stinkin’ way in. ” The Broncos winning in the playoffs is akin to a fish playing drums: it would be cool to see but you know it’s just a ridiculous notion. The real action won’t take place on the field at Mile High during the game anyway, oh no, but after the game when an epic mess of an NFL playoff loss by an epic mess of an NFL team has to be explained away by an epic mess of an NFL franchise with an epic mess of an owner and his corporate swindlers and perception management orcs.

The Bronco loss to Kansas City was easily predictable for two things: every Bronco fan with a Wonderlic score above 12 knew the Chiefs would come to town and upset the Broncos because Tebow would non-perform. Tom Petty once said ironically of rock ‘n’ roll, “It’s not supposed to really be good, is it?” And the same holds true for Tim Tebow: he’s not supposed to really be good, is he? No. That was never his role. His primary role WAS TO DO EXACTLY what he did this season: keep fan interest up and butts in the seats until the season ended. His franchise role was to buy Bronco corporate management time to come up with more half-assed underfunded gambits to keep a half-assed underfunded NFL franchise blind man’s bluffing its way through another NFL season. Tebow did exactly what his corporate masters prayed he would: he ran around, pulled off some minor miracles, sold Bronco gear, kept the press in the game, and bought the hucksters and Barnums that run the Broncos time to mismanage another season, next year. The playoffs will not be Tebow’s blessing to the fans but the Steelers dark curse to franchise history.

Look, this Denver Bronco season is, was, and forever will be, all about Tim Tebow with an embarrassing but totally foreseeable outcome: Denver is going to be right back where they were in preseason. There will be a quarterback controversy. Tebow is not an NFL quarterback, he is a limited run sideshow oddity. Tebow’s god squad fans may have “faith” in Tebow but football fans believe in more worldly matters such as third down conversions, time of possession, and pass completion numbers that look closer to what Dan Marino would put up rather than Scott Hamilton.

Denver Bronco fans have all week to consider the following. Do you have “faith” the Denver Broncos will pull off a miracle team win against the Pittsburgh Steelers? Do you “believe” Tim Tebow will show up and play like a real NFL quarterback once and for all?
When you get your answers you’ll know where you stand as a Denver Bronco fan and as a Tim Tebow fan.

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WHY WASN’T I INFORMED? DID YOU GET THE MEMO?

November 10th, 2011 · Wentworth and Wiggmann

Wentworth: Why wasn’t I informed?

Wiggmann: If you got the memo you were informed.

Wentworth; What memo?

Wiggmann: The memo in question!. If you don’t get the memo you don’t stay informed, if you don’t stay informed…you’re out of the loop. If you’re out of the loop…you’re not informed. There is a memo about this.

Wentworth: I have that memo but not this memo.

Wiggmann: Then you are uninformed and out of the loop. You must have a memo to stay informed and staying informed keeps you in the loop. Keeping in the loop is what memos are all about.

Wentworth: Perhaps the memo wasn’t forwarded to me.

Wiggmann: I beg your pardon? What do you mean by that?

Wentworth: I mean that perhaps no memo was sent to me and therefore I am not really out of the loop because I am victim of memo forward failure.

Wiggmann: That is exactly what one would expect to hear from someone who did get the memo but disregarded the memo and is now trying to claw his way back into the loop sans the memo. The memo creates the fact and the fact creates the reality and being in the loop is the ultimate reality. Being out of the loop leaves you loopless and without a memo you might not even know you’re out of the loop and being out of the loop means no further memos. He who is without the memo is out of the loop. The memo determines your loop status. No memo no loop no loop no memo.

Wentworth: Ah, you see you are referring to the general loop. My memo regarding this memo refers to the memo that determines those memos that are forwarded to the inner loop for which general memos don’t apply. Hence, the inner loop directs inner loop memos to inner loop memo recipients not general loopers. I am an inner loop memo recipient so the memo in question does not apply to me because it was a general loop memo. I have the memo on that.

Wiggmann: What memo? I didn’t get that memo!

Wentworth: Then you are out of the general loop and the inner loop. I got the memo on your loopless status, didn’t you?

Wiggmann: No! I never got the memo!

Wentworth: Well it clearly notified memo recipients general and inner that you are out of the loop. You should have read the memo.

Wiggmann: Are you sure the memo was sent to me?

Wentworth: I have the memo saying it was.

Wiggnmann: Damn! Then I am out of the loop! And I was going to forward a memo to general and inner loop memo recipients that I was taking the whole office out for cocktails at McSweeney’s this afternoon. Oh, well.

Wentworth: Wait! I’ll forward a memo to general and inner memo recipients that you are going to takes us to the bar and get us all looped!

Wiggmann: Well, I can’t go unless I get the memo.

Wentworth: No problem. I’ll just circulate a memo to all general and inner memo recipients that all previous memos are null and void and the new memo policy will be outlined at McSweeney’s and only those memo recipients who don’t reply are invited.

Wiggmann: Devilishly clever! A new loop based on no loop because no memo acknowledgment acknowledges the new loop so those who acknowledge the memo are out of the loop and hence anyone who hoists cocktails at McSweeneey’s is in the loop! You have perfected the system! How shall we remember this new no-memo-is-a-memo-out-of-loop-is-in-the-loop-policy?

Wentworth: We shall write memos on cocktail napkins!

Wiggmann: Sounds good. Let’s keep the bartender in the loop all evening!

Wentworth: Memo to self: Cocktails without further ado! To the bar!!!

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I Say Unto You, Flocketh With Me

November 7th, 2011 · Comedy/Humor, Religion

by Reverend Rike Sanborn III

For this morning’s sermon on Hung Over With Reverend Rike Sanborn, let us turn to Beastie Boys 2:11 verses 4 through 7:

“Ya Dad caught ya smokin’ and he said NO WAY!
That hypocrite smokes two packs a day
Yeahhhhh, livin’ at home is such a drag
Ya Ma threw away yer best porno mag!”

By this we should again revisit the words of Cheech and Chong Book of Verses 3:16 to 3:24:

“My mama talkin’ to me tell me how to try and live
But I don’t listen to her ’cause my head is like a sieve…”

And let us rejoice in the words of Captain Spaulding Book of Virtues 4:11 to 4:12:

“Ya see here, I’m on super secret clown business and clown business supercedes all other kinds ‘a’ business. You understand…?”

Many in the Congregation ask me,”Reverend Rike, how do I approach and manage the day’s tribulations before Happy Hour? How do I maintain my faith?

To this I say verily, “Early in the evenin’, early in the mornin’, early in the afternoon…”

And pray, hold true the words of Saint Charles of the Fifth whence he proclaimeth: “That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink as an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.”

Many of the faithful rejoice in their day and take succor from the passages, these passages, from the Godfather of Soul;

“Fellas I’m ready to get up and do my thing,
I wanta get into it man, ya know…like a..
Like a sex machine
Movin’ and doin’ it, ya know?
Can I count it off?
1 2 3 4
Get on up
Get on up
Stay on the scene like a sex machine
Get on up
Stay on the scene
Like a lovin’ machine
Can we hit it one more time like we did from the top?
Get on up
One more time
Can we hit it and quit
Can we hit it and quit
One more time
Get on up”

These are trying times, as my insurance agent reminds me, and acts of God are without comprehensive policy coverage, “How do I insure myself against the uncertainties of the future?” you wonder.

Brother Blackalicious will deliver unto us this day our daily affirmation: “A forty ounce for breakfast can get me through the day.’

Amen to that, Brother.

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