Circus Giganticus

A Slanted Look at our Twisted World

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How the Professionals Will Explain It To You…And Then Your Mother

February 7th, 2010 · Comedy/Humor

Life Coach and Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? “Baby steps. These were just baby steps for the chicken. Let these steps symbolize the chicken’s renewed dedication to self-discipline and goal oriented behavior. In life there will be many roads to cross and other chickens competing for the same passage across that road. The important thing is to be a proactive chicken, a self-starting chicken, a chicken that will take risks.”

Football coach and Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? “We were in drop back zone coverage and the linebackers didn’t see the chicken cross the flat for the short pass. Only the roaming defensive back saw the chicken run his route for the road. It was a breakdown in assignments. We’ll be watching film on Monday about the chicken route across the road.”

Mother and Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? “Because the chicken doesn’t mind me or follow my directions. I said there would be no road crossing until that chicken cleaned its room. There will be no more road crossing until that chicken shapes up. I’m grounding the chicken for one week.”

Engineer and Some Assembly Required Toy Instructions “The depictive schematics are instructionally inadequate due to systems incompatibility. Correlative functions are not systems-based-compatible resulting in integrative failure in the mechanical unification functions of system/instrument compatibilities.”

Substance Abuse Counselor and Some Assembly Required “You have to take responsibility for the fact that you yourself purchased this toy and were well aware before hand that some assembly was required.
This was a negative prompting behavior for you causing you stress, feelings of inadequacy, and a lapse into a three week alcohol and prescription drug binge. We’ve worked on recognizing these negative prompting situations that can cause relapses if these situations aren’t proactively managed. So let’s be aware in the future that some assembly required is a serious relapse trigger for you, and situations that involve any assembly should be managed by round-the-clock counseling and medication, perhaps even re-admittance to in-clinic 24 hour care. Let’s re-prescribe Antabuse and Klonopin to recover the ground lost by some assembly required”

Mom and Some Assembly Required “Well everything’s wrapped, the turkey is ready, the table is set, the house is cleaned and decorated, and oh, are you still messing with that? It’s two o:clock in the morning. Go to bed. I’ll have this put together in a jiffy.

Comedian and Throwing the Baby Out With the Bathwater “So, yo! Who gave the kid the bath? Helen Keller?

Plumber and Throwing the Baby Out With the Bathwater “Well, there’s no way a baby could fit down this bathtub’s drain hole, lady. It’s gotta two inch diameter.”

Mom and Throwing the Baby Out With the Bathwater “Well, you have to be pretty dimwitted or criminally negligent to do something like that. I swear, some people just shouldn’t be allowed to have kids. Can you imagine throwing a baby out with the bathwater? It’s a mother’s duty to know where her children are all the time bathwater or no bathwater. What is our society coming to? Come over here and give mom a hug. No one’s going to throw you out with the bathwater, no way my little precious.”

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Obama: The Top of His Class

February 6th, 2010 · Politics

Barack Obama has not continued to fool anyone except the most ideologically straitjacketed, the most truth resistant, and the most willfully uninformed among us. Featuring an Obama bumper sticker on a car in 2010 says as much about the stupidity and rigidity of that car owner today as did a W bumper sticker in 2007. Obama is now an easy read. He took the deal. He signed the contract in his own blood at midnight. He went to the toppermost of the poppermost. Obama knows you can’t shake the Devil’s hand and say you’re only kidding so he complied with all the prescribed choices and built the resume. All the stuff about Constitutional law and community organizing were just resume builders. Obama built himself a self-serving, self-promoting, self aggrandizing resume that propelled him upward and into that class that comprises less than one percent of the population but owns everything in our society worth owning that will confer wealth, class, privilege, and social and political control. Obama’s all in and all in for himself. You and I will be victimized for a long time to come by his class ascent.

How people in this country can be so benighted as to not comprehend that America is now and has been- for forty years- in the midst of a serious class war is testament to Americans’ self-imposed ignorance and the effectiveness of the propaganda means and methods of America’s super-minority ownership class. How can anyone not get that Obama works for a minute class of people whose forefathers had no ideological or legal objections to America’s institutional slavery, indentured servitude, debt peonage, sharecropping, the company store, workhouses, for-profit-genocide and imperial slaughter? The ideological descendents of that self-serving class of yesterday are today eagerly and happily fashioning a global economy on the principles of corporate feudalism and global plantationism; economic forms that rely on imprisonment, debt peonage, rigged elections, commodities control, media manipulation, government sponsored monopoly capitalism, military interventions, anti-union-anti-human-rights-trade-agreements, and the machinations of global finance to undermine national sovereignty. To pull all that off requires a bright guy with the right resume…a guy like Barack Obama.

“I try to avoid hyperbole, but I think Obama is possibly the most dangerous and destructive president we ever had,” claims Nat Hentoff. Hentoff explains generally why he feels Obama poses such a dangerous and destructive force. “In terms of the Patriot Act, and all the other things he has pledged he would do, such as transparency in government, Obama has reneged on his promises.” Hentoff enumerates just a few of Obama’s broken pledges: end torture, end CIA renditions, limit the states secret doctrine, and in general, reverse extra-constitutional Bush policies. Obama defies his better angels, his intellect, and his class upbringing to menace America and the Constitution, maintains Hentoff. “The irony is that Obama was a law professor at the university of Chicago. He would, most of all, know that what he is doing weakens the Constitution.” This is no literal moron in the Palin-Boehner-Bush mode, each of whom literally could not pass a ninth grade exam on the Constitution. This is a law professor from the University of Chicago. Obama didn’t just choose the University of Chicago because it was in his hometown. He chose it because it was a great resume school…home of Milton Friedman and a lot of good professional contacts and the right ideology. In a school like this, the right classes propel one to the right class. Hentoff gets this and lays it out in unadorned terms. He’s “much worse than that. Obama has little, if any, principles except to aggrandize and make himself more and more important. You see that in his foreign policy. Obama lacks a backbone-both a constitutional backbone and a personal backbone. This is a man who is causing us and will cause us a great deal of harm constitutionally and personally. I say personally because I am 84 years old, and this is the first administration that has scared me in terms of my lifespan.”

Obama reminds me of the character Robert Redford played in the film The Candidate. After winning the election, the Redford character and all his handlers look at each other and ask,”Now what do we do?” They took their resumes to the top and now it’s all about self-enrichment and servicing the super-minority. The resume game is all about personally winning the class war. It has nothing to do with statesmanship, or a vision, or service to country and fellow man. It’s not about professional expertise or professional ethics or enlightened self-conduct. It’s about getting ahead for yourself and your like-minded resume cronies. Can you imagine starting your day surrounded by Rahm Emanuel and Larry Summers and and accomplishing anything of any altruistic merit, let alone sound policy?

Obama’s time as a community organizer and law professor was all bullshit. He was just bullshitting his community clients and bullshitting his students. It was all about Obama then and it’s all about Obama now. He parlayed his resume into class prerogatives for himself.. Period. There was no vision, no noble motivation, no intention of anything else, ever. He’s a resume reptile. Self-promotion and self-profit is all he understands and ever did. He’s surrounded by others who think and act the same way. Their lives are arranged for self-fulfillment and self-aggrandizement. Obama is now an active participant in worsening the class chasm in America and as Hentoof notes, Obama knows better. He just doesn’t care because he’s all in for himself. He’s got the resume to prove it.

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Martial Law In America Part I

January 25th, 2010 · Short Stories

In 2009 3.5 million homes had been foreclosed and 17 percent of the population was unemployed or underemployed. Personal bankruptcies reached 6000 a day. 50 million Americans were going hungry on a weekly basis. 60 million people had no access to healthcare other than an emergency room and 40 million more paid insurance premiums but were never able to access medical care due to the high deductible costs of their policies. Small banks and small businesses failed at a steady rate. Destructive weather events were hitting cities and towns across the country leaving communities in economic and environmental shambles with no assistance from the Federal Government.  The military occupations in Iraq and Afghanistan continued to drain the nation’s wealth. Millions and millions of people woke up everyday with no job, no money, no plan, and no hope. But one out five people still had jobs and Social Security checks still got mailed out and Wal-Mart still had everyday low prices and stocked shelves. We refer to these now as the good old days.

The year of ML 1 was the year several things happened within several months. Job losses continued because private employers were more interested in capitalizing on bad conditions to break unions, lessen worker pay and benefits, and wring more productivity out of workers than they were in creating new jobs. Seven million more homes went into foreclosure. Investment capital quit the country and was moved offshore. Eleven states declared bankruptcy one after the other and could no longer send out unemployment checks or make good on their other financial obligations. Shantytowns were as common as pawn and loan outlets in the cities and in the suburbs unemployed homeowners far behind on their mortgages had armed themselves and squatted in their own homes ready to fight to forestall eviction. Formerly affluent suburban streets were littered with garbage as so many people considered trash collection an unaffordable luxury. On lawns, sidewalks, alleys, cul-de-sacs, even in the streets themselves all manner of America’s mass consumer jetsam traced the retreat of the recently evicted and now homeless: couches, baby strollers, coffee makers, plasma televisions, patio furniture, and computers.

Wal-Mart enforced a cash only policy and no one under 21 years of age could enter any of their stores. Gas climbed to over four dollars a gallon as Wall Street made one last desperate bid at commodity and futures manipulation. The majority of airline flights were canceled as the new federal background and credit checks made it impossible for most people to fly. Cars were abandoned wherever they ran out of gas and the cities lacked the means to move them. The impound lots of get-rich-quick tow truck speculators were overflowing from the tens of thousands of cars towed and left parked in long rows unclaimed. Militia groups began to stage swift and well-coordinated raids on geographically remote grocery stores and warehouses. Gunfire could be heard in infrequent bursts in the cities and the suburbs. Those with jobs who commuted to work faced tension charged and danger filled drives. Home invasions were common occurrences as were rapes and the disappearance of pets and children.

Despite all this one single event was credited with the need for martial law: an armed occupation by a small group of men of a state capitol and the summary execution of the state legislators within. The night after the day of the Capitol Murders, as the media called them, President Obama appeared on television preempting everything including including pay per view. The entire television spectrum was given over to the president.

“Citizens of America,” he began. “Today…” and he recapitulated the horrors of the day past and then another man come forward to introduce us to the horror of the days to come.

General Whitley addressed the nation. “As of 9:36 p.m. eastern standard time, President Obama has empowered me to declare the nation under martial law. I will exercise all powers of both the chief executive and commander in chief and will do so until the nation once again regains a solid framework of law and order and civil compliance.” This was all the man said and he left the podium by himself as President Obama was escorted off the stage by two military officers each guiding him by an elbow.

Martial law came to my city less than 24 hours later. Hundreds of armed Blackwater security contractors arrived at the airport along with transports full of weapons, ammunition, and vehicles, and dispatched themselves to various staging operations around the city. National Guard troops, police officers, various security job flunkies, NRA members, right-wing militia men, Christian patriot group members, ex-military personnel, and various vetted street gang members, were assembled at these staging operations and made to swear loyalty to the U.S. Military until death. Once sworn in they were considered members of the United States Military and would be issued all manner of military weapons, military vehicles, and commandeered civilian vehicles now the property of the military. They were also given chemical suits and told they would remain here in their secure location until the primary operations had concluded.

The “primary operations” were explained to them by a severe looking special forces officer in immaculately pressed camo fatigues. The officer informed the newly sworn in military personnel that helicopters were going to make passes over the city dispersing a “designer” biochemical agent in the form of a mist or spray that would “invalidate the resistance of the most intractable individuals.” This “civilian pacification process” would take about 24 hours to execute. Most of the biochem mists would dissipate by then but for the first twelve hours “in city” the special forces officer instructed the men to wear their chemical suits. After the twelve hour “twilight” period expired, the men could remove their suits and move freely through the city.

The military had two main objectives for the first 48 hours in city. The first objective was to get a count of the number of biochem dead. For this task, body counters would travel among the soldiers and mark the bodies with a Day-glo spray that could be seen from the air and that glowed in the dark. The body counters held computer connected counters that were linked to a command computer so that every click of the Day-glo sprayer got tallied at the command base computer. It was essential, the special forces officer assured one and all, to get an idea of the numbers of civilian bodies in order to determine whether other “specialized pacification methods” would be required to assist the in city ground troops. In addition, mass decomposition would prove a hazard to ground troops and would necessitate removal by a Halliburton disposal division contractor within 72 hours. The in city ground units had that much time to secure and prep their assigned sections for Halliburton and other contractors with task specific duties. The units were further instructed to be alert for other casualties and to make mental notes as to the cause of their death. The second objective was to shoot on sight any male over the age of fourteen years on sight.

“Shoot any male without hesitation and without scruple,” ordered the special forces officer. “They are the enemy. This is a heavily armed civilian populace and we will not allow that populace to fire a single round at any member of the United States Military. I repeat, you will shoot to kill on sight any male you see. Any female that can be peaceably repatriated will be accepted by all forward in city units and transferred to our Mobilized Repatriation Units. Their status will be determined by the ranking MRU officer present. Those that demonstrate the required behavioral proclivities will be offered immediate repatriation training. Those that refuse will be executed by our PopCon units. Listen carefully now, gentlemen: All children, I repeat, all children 12 years old and under will be acquired alive by any and all means at your disposal. To underscore the importance of this acquisition program, the U.S. Military will be offering bonuses to the field units who acquire the most children.”

The orders given the men were assembled into small units, acquainted with their chemical suits, issued automatic weapons, sidearms, grenades, and introduced to their unit leaders all of whom were Blackwater contractors. Other Blackwater contractors were assigned to each unit and handled the heavier ordinance such as rocket propelled explosives, chemical flame throwers, communication systems, and also, only Blackwater personnel would drive the vehicles that would transport the in city units into and out of the TOO’s, theaters of operations.

It was explained to the men by the Blackwater group commander that each unit was assigned a section of the city and would be responsible for all manner of “civilian management, pacification, extraction, and forwarding of civilians to MRU’s as well as prep and assist Halliburton and other in city private contractors with time sensitive directives.”

The Blackwater group commander gathered the men around him informally to “tell them the rules of the game.”

“My name, as you may know by now is Ed Claybrook. My associates call me Claymore and you may, too. You may address me informally but you will obey my every command in the strictest military fashion. Let me give you the real picture of how this is going to play. When we disperse in city we will divide into teams of two, fan out and investigate streets only. You will have your chem suits on so progress will be intentionally slow. Basically, keep your eyes open and acquaint yourself with the facts on the ground and their capacity to change 180 in an instant. We will enter no buildings on our primary excursion. Do not enter doorways and do not enter shadows. Anything large enough to conceal your person if you walk behind or around it is to be avoided. Stay in sight of your unit members at all times. Communicate only by the hand signals you will be taught by Balckwater personnel. This primary excursion is a body count mission only and a tactical recon for the senior Blackwater members assigned to each unit. Gentlemen, most important so hear me well, touch nothing. Do not pick up or remove anything. Do not consider looting anything be it so small as a gold lighter. Any man who returns with anything on his person not issued to him prior to the mission will be relieved of duty and face military trial and possible execution. You will carry no personal I.D. and no personal effects on your person. No exceptions. We will eat prior to these first body count missions and when we return from these missions we will be treated to the finest of food and entertainment. That is the Blackwater way, I can assure you of that. Later, as missions stretch out and as we establish firebases we will be served in city by Blackwater’s caterers.

Here now, are some mission specifics. We will be sweeping the streets in a slow and methodical fashion. Each two man patrol will be accompanied by a Blackwater member. Defer to him and have confidence in his abilities. Shoot only if he instructs you to shoot. This man’s job is to train you in these early in city missions so observe and learn from him. You will instantly follow any instruction he gives you. Failure to do so will result in penalties heretofore outlined. Let me stress one final thing and let it be your guiding light: the civilian population are not your friends. They are the enemy. The MRU’s will decide who are friendlies at a later time and place. All civilians are our enemies. If you value your life and the lives of your unit members you will learn that and live that. We will regroup here at 0900 hours to commence in city daylight operations. That is all gentlemen.”

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Party Like It’s 1776

January 23rd, 2010 · Wentworth and Wiggmann

Wentworth: Wiggy, old boy, you’ve wangled us some fine seats for tonight’s basketball game.

Wiggmann: I concur. And the real bonus is that these tickets were obtained at no cost from a friendly benefactor. I’ve always thought free to be the best price for most things. And did you see the rates being charged for parking? $15 to park. I feel environmentally and financially vindicated that we traveled here by light rail this evening.

Vendor: Beer here! Get your beer here!

Wentworth: A capital idea! Vendor, two beers please.

Vendor: That’ll be $16.

Wentworth: I beg your pardon. Are you trying to express the preposterous conception that beers are $8 apiece.

Vendor: Yo. When it comes to math your are a real rocket surgeon. Yeah, $8 a beer.

Wentworth: Let me call my mortgage lender and see if I can arrange refinancing for a beer.

Vendor: I bet sarcasm can make a guy thirsty.

Wiggmann: What? Am I hearing this correctly? $8 for a beer? Let me sell one of my kidneys for a beer. But wait. That poses a problem. It means I will only be able to have one beer.

Vendor: Yeah. If you wanna second beer you’re gonna have to let a lung go, too. Maybe an eye. But me, I’d go with the lung.

Wiggmann: (Stands and faces the crowd gesturing for the crowd to quiet. Amazingly, they do). People! $8 a beer! This is an outrage! Do you not feel yourselves cheated and belittled? Do you truly realize how much a beer costs at that price?

Crowd: A lot? More than an hour of minimum wage! $8, right?

Wiggmann: $8 a beer translates to $48 a six pack!

(The crowd is stunned into silence. Suddenly catcalls, boos, shouting…pandemonium erupts! Beers and popcorn and hotdogs are thrown on the court. The crowd is soon howling at fever pitch. The players panic and run for the locker rooms with the referees right behind. In the midst of the din, Wiggmann holds up a hastily crafted sign and starts a chant. The fans in his immediate vicinity pick up the chant and it soon spreads throughout the arena until 18,000 fans are all shouting…)

Crowd: $1 beers! $1 beers. $1 beers.

(A voice comes over the public address system.)

PA: Ladies and gentleman and fans alike! Our gracious hometown team owner E. Edwin Schneibel is proud to announce tonight is $1 beer night!

(The crowd erupts into a roar of cheers. People stream for the exits and the concession stands. Vendors load up with beers and troll the seat sections).

Wentworth: Splendid job, Wiggy old chum. You really pulled the crowd together to fight for their right to party. And using six pack economics to press your case was a stroke of genius. Why can’t we achieve such goals in the political arena as we just did in the sports arena?

Wiggmann: Thank you, Worthy. I’m afraid Americans are too fixated on sports, reality T.V.,  American Idol, clothes fashion, the latest diet trend, babbling on twitter, dreaming of winning the lottery, and all other manners of nonsense to concentrate on the important things. They are rendered politically inert by constant distraction.

Wentworth: When you wre working that crowd did I see I bit of Mussolini in you, heh, heh?

Wiggmann: No. That was my Barrymore profile.

Wentworth: Well it’s a good thing you were agitating for beer and not some overt political cause. Remember, Americans can turn very ugly when confronted with unpleasant truths. Imagine the physical threat you would have faced if you’d held up the sign: “Bring home the troops.”

Wiggmann: Perhaps the key, Worthy, is to couple self-interest directly with a larger political cause. Think “Bring home the troops and let’s buy them dollar beers!”

Wentworth: Yes I see. “Single payer healthcare, single dollar beers!”

Vendor: Yo! You champions of the people want a couple of beers?

Wentworth: Beers indeed, but we’d like four beers, please. Thank you my good man. Here’s $5, keep the change.

Vendor: $1. Well haven’t I been give my just desserts.

Wentworth: Well Wiggy, all’s indeed well that ends well.

Wiggmann: And there is a moral to this story.

Wentworth: Pray tell.

Wiggmann: One dollar beers make for two fisted drinking.

Wentworth: Hey, tomorrow, let’s go to the Dollar Store and get one of those plastic Liberty Bells as a $1 symbol always reminding us of the power of the people.

Wiggmann: And some Funyons.

Wentworth: Oh, yeah. Gotta have Funyons. Can’t have personal liberty without Funyons.

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