Circus Giganticus

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Are These the Snack Chips Foretold in the Book Of Revelation?

November 14th, 2009 · No Comments · Comedy/Humor

 I couldn’t have been more surprised if rabid weasels were to mate in my pants pockets. They actually burned! I don’t mean a little sizzle and a sparking blue flame. I mean the little bastards put up a full-throated-Robert-Plant-screamin’-little-wall of flame. And Russell told  me they would. He assured me these chemicals would flame Fantastic Four on when torched. I knew certain chemicals alone or in combination would ignite, I just never believed that these burning chemicals before us were major ingredients in found in America’s newest snack chip!

It all started with a beer run to a local grocery store. Russell went left, I went right and we met at the checkout counter arms brimming with our personal selections. Russell, the vegetarian, noted that a large part of my cache was, “Shit, bile, and monkey spank.” Differences aside we paid, returned home, and ensconced ourselves on the couch beers at hand.

I was opening a new brand of snack chips that were Christmas-themed and reportedly baked by tree-dwelling homunculi when I caught Russell looking at me disgustedly.

“Jesus God, look at you. Let me enumerate: you’re intelligent, aware, educated, and yet you sit there eating shit that would be disdained by the least discriminating barn yard pig.”

I stuffed a big handful in my mouth and vigorously chewed with it open to show myself indomitably unchastened.

“Give me those, you monkey-assed bottom feeder!” snarled Russell grabbing the bag.

Shaking the bag in my face he roared, “Have you seen the list of shit they put in here? Do you know what kind of crap is in here? Stockpiles of shit that munitions manufacturers have lying around that they move from one corporate subsidiary to another, that’s what.”

Chips began to scatter out of the bag, falling snowflake-like upon the couch.

“Look at these ingredients,” Russell hissed, reversing the bag, sending more holiday snack chips flying. “Look, damn it, look…”

And suddenly Russell stopped mid-rant and was looking. At the list of ingredients on the bag. His eyes slowly widened and his jaw slowly dropped.

“Jesus,” he whispered

“What?” I asked through my mouthful of semi-masticated chips. Russell’s sudden reversal from rant wanker to shock victim was a bit alarming.

“Jesus,” he whispered.

“What?” I asked again through the chips.

“Jesus,” he softly repeated.

“What!” I screamed, spraying saliva moistened bits of America’s newest Christmas themed snack chips  all over Russell’s coffee table.

“Look,” he demanded, shifting the bag so I could see. “Most ingredient lists take up a small, negligible space on the back package surface area. There must be…”

And he counted.

“113 ingredients on this list and only seven listed are organic,” he said softly.

This gave me pause. Russell, you see, is a chemist.

“So, Russell,” I managed to say with a full mouth and a minimum of phonetic compromise. “What are you telling me?”

“Some of the ingredients in here are also used in dog food, toilet cleaners, mace, diapers, solvents, drain cleaner, fertilizer…the list goes on…”

I gently spit the moist, shit-like mass in my cupped hand.

“Are you trying to tell me that my Christmas-themed snack chips come from chemicals usually found in 55 gallon drums?”

Russell was stunned but trying to gather himself. “Look,” he said fully turning to me. “A lot of these chemicals are carcinogenic and highly combustible. Mostly used in industrial cleaning products and for military applications. You’re eating like a…like a heavily salted, fertilized, mace-shooting- flamethrower-diaper.”

And he proved it. He explained all about the chemicals in these snack chips.

“Every chemical here is about as healthful for the human body as raw hamburger only slower acting.”

Russell then produced a flame and set fire to America’s newest Christmas-themed snack chip.

I later wrote a letter to the company armed with a battery of facts provided by Russell proving these “ingredients” had no right to be in food products whatsoever.

The company wrote me back thanking me, assuring me that my concerns would be monitored, and sent me a large, complimentary box of individual  serving size snack chips. The company suggested these would be wonderful handouts for Christmas parties and gatherings. It turned out that I used the snack chips in my fireplace. The red and green flames were very Christmasy.

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