Circus Giganticus

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For Corned Sakes, Where’s the Beef?

October 28th, 2009 · No Comments · Wentworth and Wiggmann Wednesday

(At the counter of the local sub shop)

Wiggmann: “My good man, there is a problem with this corned-beef sandwich.

Counter lad: Yes sir, what’s the problem?

Wiggmann; It’s not corned-beef, it is corned-turkey.

Counter lad: No that’s corned beef. Our corned-turkey is corned-beef.

Wiggmann: What! Are you not seeing the problem here? 

Counter lad: Not if you ordered corned-beef.

Wiggmann: Yes, I did order corned-beef yet I was served a corned-turkey sandwich. Do you follow?

Counter lad: I believe you ordered corned-beef and you have corned-beef.

Wiggmann: I reiterate: this is corned-turkey.

Counter lad: Which we call corned-beef.

Wentworth: Wiggy, you’re going about this all wrong. Counter lad, let’s say I wanted a liverwurst sandwich, how would I go about ordering one?

Counter lad: Ask for the number 7.

(Later, at a picnic bench)

Wentworth: A most savory liverwurst sandwich. How’s your corned-beef sandwich, Wiggy?

Wiggmann: It is corned-turkey, you ninny!

Wentworth: Wiggy, your beef is not with me but with the lad who sold you this turkey.


Wentworth: Ah, that man down the counter has a glass of milk and it looks most refreshing. Good sir, I’d like a glass of milk.

Counter cook: No milk.

Wentworth: That man has a glass of milk.

Counter cook: No, he has cereal, Order cereal and you get a glass of milk.

Wentworth: Very good! I’ll have a bowl of cereal; hold the bowl hold the cereal.

Counter cook: Will do. Hey, how come your friend’s not eating?

Wentworth: It’s the corned-beef hash. He maintains it’s really corned-turkey hash.

Counter cook: Our corned-turkey hash is our corned-beef hash. People love it.

Wiggmann: Why don’t you call it corned-turkey hash, then?

Counter cook: What are you, goofy? If it’s corned-beef hash, why the hell would we call it corned-turkey hash? Who the hell would order that?

Wentworth: Who indeed and funny you should ask.


Wiggmann: Wentworth I foreswear meat! After these last trying days I refuse to eat meat of any kind. You do remember my telling you this?

Wentworth: Yes old chum. I’m just back from the farmer’s natural grocery and I’ve purchased a few delectable vegetarian sundries and one special vegetarian treat for you. Here you go.

Wiggmann: Let me have that! This is corned-turkey tofu labeled corned-beef tofu!

Wentworth: Well, their corned-turkey tofu is their corned-beef tofu.

Wiggmann: Take me now, Lord.

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