Circus Giganticus

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How the Professionals Will Explain It To You…And Then Your Mother

February 7th, 2010 · No Comments · Comedy/Humor

Life Coach and Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? “Baby steps. These were just baby steps for the chicken. Let these steps symbolize the chicken’s renewed dedication to self-discipline and goal oriented behavior. In life there will be many roads to cross and other chickens competing for the same passage across that road. The important thing is to be a proactive chicken, a self-starting chicken, a chicken that will take risks.”

Football coach and Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? “We were in drop back zone coverage and the linebackers didn’t see the chicken cross the flat for the short pass. Only the roaming defensive back saw the chicken run his route for the road. It was a breakdown in assignments. We’ll be watching film on Monday about the chicken route across the road.”

Mother and Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? “Because the chicken doesn’t mind me or follow my directions. I said there would be no road crossing until that chicken cleaned its room. There will be no more road crossing until that chicken shapes up. I’m grounding the chicken for one week.”

Engineer and Some Assembly Required Toy Instructions “The depictive schematics are instructionally inadequate due to systems incompatibility. Correlative functions are not systems-based-compatible resulting in integrative failure in the mechanical unification functions of system/instrument compatibilities.”

Substance Abuse Counselor and Some Assembly Required “You have to take responsibility for the fact that you yourself purchased this toy and were well aware before hand that some assembly was required.
This was a negative prompting behavior for you causing you stress, feelings of inadequacy, and a lapse into a three week alcohol and prescription drug binge. We’ve worked on recognizing these negative prompting situations that can cause relapses if these situations aren’t proactively managed. So let’s be aware in the future that some assembly required is a serious relapse trigger for you, and situations that involve any assembly should be managed by round-the-clock counseling and medication, perhaps even re-admittance to in-clinic 24 hour care. Let’s re-prescribe Antabuse and Klonopin to recover the ground lost by some assembly required”

Mom and Some Assembly Required “Well everything’s wrapped, the turkey is ready, the table is set, the house is cleaned and decorated, and oh, are you still messing with that? It’s two o:clock in the morning. Go to bed. I’ll have this put together in a jiffy.

Comedian and Throwing the Baby Out With the Bathwater “So, yo! Who gave the kid the bath? Helen Keller?

Plumber and Throwing the Baby Out With the Bathwater “Well, there’s no way a baby could fit down this bathtub’s drain hole, lady. It’s gotta two inch diameter.”

Mom and Throwing the Baby Out With the Bathwater “Well, you have to be pretty dimwitted or criminally negligent to do something like that. I swear, some people just shouldn’t be allowed to have kids. Can you imagine throwing a baby out with the bathwater? It’s a mother’s duty to know where her children are all the time bathwater or no bathwater. What is our society coming to? Come over here and give mom a hug. No one’s going to throw you out with the bathwater, no way my little precious.”

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