Circus Giganticus

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Party Like It’s 1776

January 23rd, 2010 · No Comments · Wentworth and Wiggmann

Wentworth: Wiggy, old boy, you’ve wangled us some fine seats for tonight’s basketball game.

Wiggmann: I concur. And the real bonus is that these tickets were obtained at no cost from a friendly benefactor. I’ve always thought free to be the best price for most things. And did you see the rates being charged for parking? $15 to park. I feel environmentally and financially vindicated that we traveled here by light rail this evening.

Vendor: Beer here! Get your beer here!

Wentworth: A capital idea! Vendor, two beers please.

Vendor: That’ll be $16.

Wentworth: I beg your pardon. Are you trying to express the preposterous conception that beers are $8 apiece.

Vendor: Yo. When it comes to math your are a real rocket surgeon. Yeah, $8 a beer.

Wentworth: Let me call my mortgage lender and see if I can arrange refinancing for a beer.

Vendor: I bet sarcasm can make a guy thirsty.

Wiggmann: What? Am I hearing this correctly? $8 for a beer? Let me sell one of my kidneys for a beer. But wait. That poses a problem. It means I will only be able to have one beer.

Vendor: Yeah. If you wanna second beer you’re gonna have to let a lung go, too. Maybe an eye. But me, I’d go with the lung.

Wiggmann: (Stands and faces the crowd gesturing for the crowd to quiet. Amazingly, they do). People! $8 a beer! This is an outrage! Do you not feel yourselves cheated and belittled? Do you truly realize how much a beer costs at that price?

Crowd: A lot? More than an hour of minimum wage! $8, right?

Wiggmann: $8 a beer translates to $48 a six pack!

(The crowd is stunned into silence. Suddenly catcalls, boos, shouting…pandemonium erupts! Beers and popcorn and hotdogs are thrown on the court. The crowd is soon howling at fever pitch. The players panic and run for the locker rooms with the referees right behind. In the midst of the din, Wiggmann holds up a hastily crafted sign and starts a chant. The fans in his immediate vicinity pick up the chant and it soon spreads throughout the arena until 18,000 fans are all shouting…)

Crowd: $1 beers! $1 beers. $1 beers.

(A voice comes over the public address system.)

PA: Ladies and gentleman and fans alike! Our gracious hometown team owner E. Edwin Schneibel is proud to announce tonight is $1 beer night!

(The crowd erupts into a roar of cheers. People stream for the exits and the concession stands. Vendors load up with beers and troll the seat sections).

Wentworth: Splendid job, Wiggy old chum. You really pulled the crowd together to fight for their right to party. And using six pack economics to press your case was a stroke of genius. Why can’t we achieve such goals in the political arena as we just did in the sports arena?

Wiggmann: Thank you, Worthy. I’m afraid Americans are too fixated on sports, reality T.V.,  American Idol, clothes fashion, the latest diet trend, babbling on twitter, dreaming of winning the lottery, and all other manners of nonsense to concentrate on the important things. They are rendered politically inert by constant distraction.

Wentworth: When you wre working that crowd did I see I bit of Mussolini in you, heh, heh?

Wiggmann: No. That was my Barrymore profile.

Wentworth: Well it’s a good thing you were agitating for beer and not some overt political cause. Remember, Americans can turn very ugly when confronted with unpleasant truths. Imagine the physical threat you would have faced if you’d held up the sign: “Bring home the troops.”

Wiggmann: Perhaps the key, Worthy, is to couple self-interest directly with a larger political cause. Think “Bring home the troops and let’s buy them dollar beers!”

Wentworth: Yes I see. “Single payer healthcare, single dollar beers!”

Vendor: Yo! You champions of the people want a couple of beers?

Wentworth: Beers indeed, but we’d like four beers, please. Thank you my good man. Here’s $5, keep the change.

Vendor: $1. Well haven’t I been give my just desserts.

Wentworth: Well Wiggy, all’s indeed well that ends well.

Wiggmann: And there is a moral to this story.

Wentworth: Pray tell.

Wiggmann: One dollar beers make for two fisted drinking.

Wentworth: Hey, tomorrow, let’s go to the Dollar Store and get one of those plastic Liberty Bells as a $1 symbol always reminding us of the power of the people.

Wiggmann: And some Funyons.

Wentworth: Oh, yeah. Gotta have Funyons. Can’t have personal liberty without Funyons.

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