Circus Giganticus

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People Who Need People Don’t Need These People

January 3rd, 2010 · 1 Comment · Wentworth and Wiggmann

Wentworth: I have just had the most ghastly experience courtesy of someone.

Wiggmann: Good God, man you look frazzled to the bone! How many of them were there? Did it involve a priest? A policeman? An IRS agent? An ex-wife? A game show host? A DMV employee? A bill collector? A ventriloquist? A barber? A military recruiter?

Wentworth: No, worse than any of the aforementioned . This individual had the instincts of a sewer rat and the ethics of a payday lender.

Wiggmann: Our Savior on the cross, you were in the presence of a car salesman!

Wentworth: Indeed I was and this is a day that will live in infamy for me.

Wiggmann: Worthy, I thought you were a walker, a bicyclist, and a dedicated user of public transportation?

Wentworth: Well, I stumbled on the lot accidentally and began talking to him. I wanted one thing and he was trying to sell me another.

Wiggmann: Driven to join the herd. Well buck up my man, everyone falls prey to the imperatives of conformity and the manipulations of Madison Avenue every once in awhile. I see, however, that you escaped in one piece.

Wentworth: Barely. In order to be a car salesman apparently one must have no human empathy and a limited if nonexistent ability to listen to other human beings.

Wiggmann: Double jeopardy-a car salesman and a Republican! How did you escape?

Wentworth: Well, finally I had to appear threatening to the man to gain some semblance of sanity and control. “Stop! Stop right there,” I demanded of the salesman when he simply would not stop verbally pressuring me. “I am going to ask you a series of questions and you are going to give me yes or no answers. Do you follow?” I could sense he would obey but most grudgingly. Finally, he nodded assent. “Do you speak English?” I asked. “Yes,” he said. “Do you have good hearing?” I asked.“Yes,” he said. “Can you follow simple instructions?” I asked. “Yes,” he said. “Can you break this five dollar bill for bus fare?” I asked. Well dear god, they formed a pack and chased me off the lot and down the street several blocks until finally breaking off pursuit.. I figured since I’d already run a good distance I might as well continue home on foot.

Wiggmann: Worthy, sounds like you’ve had a Hummer of a day. Cocktails are called for. I believe I’ll have a Sidecar. For your tattered nerves, a Cable Car.

Wentworth: Driven to drink. I should thank that man.

Wiggmann: He shall be with us in our distilled spirits and our brash song! “Life is a highway, I want to drive it all night long.” Cocktails await!


Wiggmann: Some things are so unspeakably awful as to leave one speechless.

Wentworth: It’s your own fault if you choose to live on a cul-de-sac.

Wiggmann: Indeed, but in this instance I refer to the execrable Fox News.

Wentworth: Fox News. It is no coincidence that the rise of Fox News has coincided with the decline of the Weekly World News. Why, once upon a time the Weekly World News kept every citizen apprised as to the whereabouts of Bat Boy and the secret location of the island shared by Hitler and Elvis. Readers were informed of the birth of the three-headed Ram of the Apocalypse. Fox News does not have the journalistic talent to present such reasoned fare.

Wiggmann: Most assuredly they don’t. What they do offer, case in point, is a loathsome little Goebbels by the name of Sean Hannity who is a demagogue of rank character and crude talents. He has something of a fixed routine and I believe that now, after some quick study, I can do a fair impression of Mr. Hannity. Let me take a moment to tune my physical instrument…get in touch with my character… focus…focus…I am now Sean Hannity! “So at three in the morning when lesbian separatists kick down your door do you think they’re here to borrow a cup of sugar! When they carry off your wife and daughter are you going to say to yourself, “I wish I had a gun to defend my home like my conservative neighbor Bob who is a staunch supporter of the second amendment. Maybe I should have listened to my neighbor Bob. And that’s the problem with liberals…” Aaggghhh! That’s all I can do! Call the exorcist!

Wentworth: Snap out of it Wiggy! My God man, I thought I’d lost you! You’re telling me this man actually presents diarrhea as diatribes such as this on television and isn’t frog marched to a Nuremburg tribunal? You’re telling me this Fox News gives him the platform for such ludicrousness?

Wiggmann: That is exactly what I’m saying.

Wentworth: My god, man! Where to begin? First off, if they are “lesbian separatists” they are by definition going to have separated themselves from society with the express wish not to be forced to interact with that society; a society filled with Hannity’s, I might add. Hence, they are not going to commit raids on the very society they disdain and from which they have taken physical steps to distance themselves. You might as well worry everyone that the Hermit cavalry is is on the march to conquer your Barcaloungers! Secondly, never in the annals of crime has any crime been committed by or attributed to any individual or group proclaiming itself lesbian separatist. “Clearly Watson, the Peruviann penis purloiners have pinched the pecker of Prince Pud.” Sweet sufferin’ monkeys of Christ! Hannity apparently cites no reputable factual sources he just…wee wees indiscriminately! This is a ridiculous threat concoction that any moron could see through and was fabricated by Hannity for its right wing Pavlovian prejudicial appeal. And this “Bob” character is simply an artificial construct used to invent counterfeit comparison about some effete liberal left that acts as an effigy for right wing paranoia and masculine inadequacies. To fall for such a crudely constructed and brainless put-on one must be the type who sits on his haunches and pelts strangers with feces. And then there is the matter of-

Wiggmann: Ah, Worthy, by not getting Fox News you get it completely!

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One Comment so far ↓

  • rusty

    fox is another evil empire filled with uninformed idiots who sensationalize everything the touch. They are supposed to report the news not make it. fox who?????

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