It came as no surprise that Madonna was slated to be the Super Bowl 46 halftime act. Why? Quite simply stated, out of the global-music mega-stardom-talent-pool, it’s her turn. Most of the other musical acts with huge personas, sales, and international appeal have already performed at halftime: Prince, The Stones, Paul McCartney, ZZ Top, Aerosmith, U2, Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen. But there is a phenomenon called the “Non Rock Act Super Bowl Halftime Curse”. The phenomenon can be easily understood in four words: The Black Eyed Peas.
Look, there’s a sad truth about the Super Bowl halftime show and it is this: older rock acts kick ass and newer pop acts blow. Prince put on the most scorching Super Bowl half time show ever hands down. When he was through people around me said, “Man, forget the second half of the game, make Prince keep playing.” Same deal with the Stones and Paul McCartney. Everybody wanted more! When the Black Eyed Peas performed…people around me were hooting and saying things like, “Are you kidding me? These guys aren’t even good enough to be children’s entertainers. Bring on the Wiggles, already.” Sadly, the only well seasoned rock act to really blow at halftime was The Who. They were soundly thrashed for their performance by even The Who fans I know. But The Who were saved from lasting ignominy because they played the year before the Black Eyed Peas and the Black Eyed Peas were so god awful everyone forgot all about The Who for all time. The new standard for the god-awful halftime show was set by the Peas. Oh, and the Justin Timberlake/Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction”…well you just can’t take these kids anywhere! How can you sell cars to Christians with the children in the room when an African American woman is disrobing on the 50 yard line! That’s not entertainment!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…MADONNA!!!
Madonna has some pressure on her right now to deliver a money set of great music with a crowd galvanizing performance a la the Stones and Sir Paul. Can she do it? Maybe. Because remember: she is firmly in the pop/dance act camp of Janet and the Peas; the camp that has failed so miserably to carry off their halftime show duties. Madonna faces the additional pressure of having to grab the attention of NASCAR rubes, anti-pop classic rockers, seniors, and Christians who would rather see Tim Tebow pray at halftime than some white chick jumping around named, well, Madonna. For wagering purposes, like the point spread or the over/under, let’s say Prince, the Stones, and Paul McCartney are 10 rated half time performers (with 10 being the highest possible rating a halftime band or performer can earn). Let’s also say for halftime show performance ratings The Who is 1 and the Black Eyed Peas are 0 (with 1 being the lowest rating possible but a zero meaning “you suck like the Black Eyed Peas”) I’d wager Madonna can pull off a solid 6 if she plays it straight, an 8 if she truly understands the audience and milieu and plays to that, but a 2 if she goes the I’m-Madonna- pop-performer-ego-diva-superstar-trip. Betting on the halftime show might just put some money in some pockets this year. Me, I think Madonna will shoot for the 10 but pull off a 5.
HALFTIME OVEER THE YEARS
Between 1967 and 1991 Super Bowl halftime shows featured marching bands, drill teams, Up With People, “Air Force Entertainment,” cheese ball celebrities like George Burns, Carol Channing, and Mickey Rooney, even an Elvis impersonator called Elvis Presto. Interspersed here and there were singers and musicians of some renown such as Pete Fountain, Ella Fitzgerald, and Chubby Checker. These musicians were accomplished artists in their genres but not the mass appeal musical acts that we’ve come to know and expect for half time Super Bowl extravaganzas. It wasn’t until 1991 that something interesting happened and the modern Super Bowl halftime show as we know it today was born.
Super Bowl 25 was played at Tampa Stadium in Tampa, Florida and the producer of the halftime show was Walt Disney and Coca-Cola. The featured musical act was New Kids On The Block. This was where it all started; when Mickey Mouse called up the Kids and said, “Hey, let’s have a Coke and a smile.” And after those New Kids, well, here’s the list of Super Bowl half time performers from 1992 to 2011 along with various personal comments such as “remember,” “don’t remember, ” or “vaguely remember,” etc. If I do remember the band/artist’s performance, I will award my Super Bowl halftime show score of 1 through 10. (In a little side note: The Kids didn’t play their halftime show until AFTER the Super Bowl because of ABC news coverage about Desert Storm).
1992 Gloria Estefan (don’t remember)
1993 Michael Jackson (vaguely remember)
1994 Clint Black Tanya Tucker Travis Tritt The Judds (don’t remember thank God and Jim Beam)
1995 Indiana Jones and Marion Ravenswood Teddy Pendergrass Tony Bennett Miami Sound Machine (don’t remember and WTF)
1996 Diana Ross (don’t remember)
1997 Blues Brothers ZZ Top James Brown Catherine Crier (remember) Score: 3
1998 Boyz II Men Smoky Robinson Martha Reeves The Temptations Queen Latifah (no interest/ignored show/probably went to bar to get shot and scream “Elway!”)
1999 Gloria Estefan Chaka Khan Stevie Wonder Kiss Big Bad Voodoo Daddy (no interest/ignored show)
2000 Phil Collins Christina Aguilera Enrique Iglesias Toni Braxton Edward James Olmos (ignored show/left room)
2001 Ben Stiller Adam Sandler Chris Rock Aerosmith N’Sync Brittney Spears Mary J Blige Nelly (entertainment-induced vomiting on couch) Score: 0
2002 U2 (remember) Score: 5
2003 Shania Twain No Doubt Sting (remember and remember thinking: “Smite us all now, oh Lord.”) Score: 1
2004 Janet Jackson P Diddy Justin Timberlake Nelly Kid Rock (remember and remember most cleaning the television screen of beer and Mexican-themed Fiesta dip sprayed/ thrown by Super Bowl houseguests ) Score: 0
2005 Paul McCartney (TOTALLY remember) Score: 10
2006 Rolling Stones (REMEMBER) Score 10
2007 Prince (TOTALLY REMEMBER) Score: 10
2008 Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (remember) Score: 8
2009 Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band (remember) Score: 5
2010 The Who (remember) Score: 1
2011 The Black Eyed Peas Usher Slash (remember) Score: -4 (The Black Eyed Peas suck so badly they couldn’t hold together a cable access children’s puppet show. Ye gods were they a major joke)
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…THE LIST!
I look at that list and think to myself, “This isn’t rocket science! Get bands and artists that don’t suck!” Here is the list of bands that should have ALREADY appeared at the Superbowl- bands big enough to play the big game
1) AC/DC Please. Is any explanation at all necessary? Please,
2) Ozzy Every stadium in the known universe plays Crazy Train at every football game. So, let’s all hear it live at the biggest game. Done.
3) Pink Floyd Would you even want to get back to the game if Waters and Gilmour re-united for this gig? I thought not.
4) The Eagles The band will be touring all 2012 to commemorate their 40th anniversary. The band will be tight, disciplined, and sounding great. While we’re at it, let Joe Walsh play the Star Spangled Banner to open the game…a life changing bonus right there!
5) Fleetwood Mac WITH Christine McVie Great songs, great energy, and all the rest.
So come on, accept no substitutes for great music at the Super Bowl. Bring on the greats.
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