Circus Giganticus

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Thinking is not for the Weak of Mind

December 8th, 2009 · No Comments · Wentworth and Wiggmann

Wentworth: Wiggy, I pledge to eat no more corporate produced garbage that masquerades itself as food.

Wiggmann: It is strange to buy a package of  mashed potatoes and see over thirty ingredients on the label. The hapless potato must feel itself nature’s orphan among all those preservatives and artificial ingredients.

Wentworth: Indeed it must.  I say again, no more corporate mystery slops labeled  as food for me.

Wiggmann: What dreggy ingredients will appear from within the processed food package? What foul mysteries wait behind the cellophane wrapper? Step right up folks, and witness for yourself the most disgusting omnivore in all existence. A beast so indiscriminate in its dietary practices it will eat anything but its own young! A glutton of garbage! Man!

Wentworth: My reasoning exactly, old bean. Why even a rudimentary understanding of the filth, additives, byproducts, chemicals, and suspect animal parts infiltrating our corporate produced food is enough to turn one’s stomach.

Wiggman: Please just don’t turn one’s stomach inside out to make your point. And what is it with corporations putting high fructose corn syrup in everything from baby formula to bread? It is completely needless to place this high calorie sweetener in any food. The true purpose is to act as a very cheap food filler/additive. All that government subsidized corn has to be unloaded somewhere by corporate America for maximum profit.

Wentworth: Indeed. Maximizing profits is the very reason of processed meats. Processed meat is simply an amalgam of rejected body parts and internal organs that are mopped into piles on the slaughterhouse floor and then shoveled up into huge vats and made into lunch meats, pizza toppings, and hot dogs. Hot dogs are particularly unsavory. Why, it is estimated that 4 or 5 pig and cow anuses reside in every package of hot dogs. Who in God’s name could put such a thing in his mouth?

Wiggmann: You are what you eat, asshole.

Wentworth: That’s exactly why when I’m hungry I cauliflower.

Wiggmann: Why I artichoke you for that one!


Wiggmann: The purpose of a public education has become so perverted since No Child Left Behind. All children do now is drill for tests. There is no music or art, just tests and test preparation. What a ghastly daily grind for these poor kids. What must children think of this?

Wentworth: I think they must think Bush Republicans are assholes.

 Wiggmann: What did you learn in school as a boy, Worthy?

Wentworth: Well, my teachers taught me to think for myself, or such was their professed intention.

Wiggmann: How did that work for you?

Wentworth: Well one day in class I raised my hand and asked my teacher, “I’m being taught in school to think for myself, correct?” “Correct,” confirmed my teacher. “Well I think I’d like to leave now.” I rose from my desk, passed through the classroom door, walked down the hallway, and exited the school. I was then grabbed from behind by the vice-principal who demanded “What do you think you’re doing?” “I think I’m being harassed by a middle-aged martinet with a crew cut for an intellect,” I informed him. Well, long story short, I had another thing coming. I learned that what school expected of me was not to think for myself but to think the thoughts the school was conditioning all us kids to accept as our own thoughts; thoughts to guarantee maximum conformity and unquestioning respect of authority. But through sheer will, lots of reading, and an abiding contempt for authority, I was finally able to think for myself. Here’s a good example. Wiggmann, do you know what I’m thinking?

Wiggmann: Do tell.

Wentworth: I think I’d like several martinis.

Wiggmann: I think this is the beginning of a beautiful afternoon.

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