Circus Giganticus

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We Need New Gods for Let’s Make A Deal

November 29th, 2009 · No Comments · Religion

Be careful what you wish for…

A guy walks into a bar and sees a drunk sitting at the bar drinking and right next to him there is this tiny,little guy playing a tiny little piano. The guy approaches the drunk and says “That’s amazing, sir! Where did you get that?” The drunk tells him, “That bottle over on the end of the bar is magical and all you have to do is say what ever you want into the mouth of the bottle and it will immediately be granted to you.” So the guy goes over, grabs the bottle and says, “I want a million bucks!!!” Right away a million ducks burst through the door to the bar. The guy exclaims “What in the hell is all this? I didn’t ask for a million ducks!” To which the drunk replies, “Do you really think I asked for a ten inch pianist?”

The Greeks and Romans really did things right. They had Gods plural to whom they could appeal for specific wants and needs. Need a better harvest? Call on this God. Need a little divinely orchestrated retribution? Call on that God. This is what we need in our fast paced, demanding, up-to-the-minute lives. We need Gods on our contact list that we can beseech at a moment’s notice. “Hey G-Man, it’s me the Rayster. I’m calling about a little sex matter. That’s right. I haven’t had any in a long time, and I think I’m due for  some sheet scorching sex. How does Friday the 10th work for you. Is that good? Excellent. So what do you need for an offering? Cash? No problemo, Big Guy. I’ll drop some off at your shrine Friday afternoon. Ciao, baby.” Of course we have goddesses like these already called call girls, but it just feels better calling on a God  to get sex than calling a number in the back of the classifieds in your local weekly.

These new Gods have to be hip to our needs and lifestyle demands. Say you want the favor of a specific God for a specific thing. This God will ask something of you in return for something from Him (or Her…it all depends). Now these Gods have to realize we’re timed out with work and family. We can’t go on long quests or wild chases to appease some goofy God need. “Mortal hear me and obey. You will drive a rental car to Graceland and make not one stop on the way!” “What about bathroom breaks, ya know rest areas?” “Silence! You shall take with  thee seven empty mustard jars-no more, no less-and shall urinate verily into these on your trek. Upon arrival at Graceland you shall create a circle of urine-filled jars and dance naked within all the while singing Burning Love! Away now mortal!” Now, do you think it’s a good time to ask, “Yellow or Grey Poupon?”

See, this kind of thing might have been okay for the ancients who had all sorts of time on their hands to run off here or there, but it is just not doable for today’s time stressed, God beseeching suckup. Because now, after spending the night in jail, posting bail, getting a court date set IN TENNESSEE, and explaining to your wife, in-laws, and employer WHY you were dancing naked in a circle of urine-filled mustard jars at Graceland, your God has created a new set of problems for you.(And believe me, everyone WILL ask, “Why Burning Love? I think Love Me Tender would have been a better choice.” And, “You didn’t use Grey Poupon jars? What were you thinking?”) This was great back in the day when the Gods were constantly trying to teach mortals this lesson or that lesson but in our world today, lessons not needed thanks. Just answer the prayer, solve the problem, bill me, and let’s do lunch, bye. Don’t create NEW PROBLEMS for me, thank you very much.

Today’s mortal will have to be ever vigilant when it comes to these new Gods and their sense of humor. They like to pull fast ones on mortals ostensibly to teach them a PROFOUND LESSON . But most of the time, Gods are just pranksters who like to screw with you by giving you the opposite of what you really want and asked for because they think it’s hilarious to watch you scream and wail in grief and despair. In mythology this is called “Irony of the Gods.” In mortal speak we call this “Getting the ten-inch pianist.” So it’s not just important what you ask for it’s important HOW you ask for it. “Say (insert specific God name here) I got a little problem you might be able to help me with here. Ya see I am totally into female A who is completely hot and totally gets my motor running. Problem is, I’m engaged to female B who is fat and homely but seriously rich and if I marry her, her Daddy will set me up large for life. Could you like, switch the bodies on the two for me?” Now, if you don’t see the problems that will take place here when a God with a sick and twisted sense of humor gets to field that one, well, then you’ve got a  smirking God just waiting to put a ten-inch pianist in your future.

Now a lot of today’s corporate types have grown accustomed to outsourcing all their other-worldly needs to the cheapest supplier with the lowest labor costs. That’s why so many corporate leaders rely on the one-stop shopping that Satan Inc., Prince of Darkness Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Beelzebub Amalgamated, can offer. With one simple incantation/phone call, a quick once over from legal, and a little bloodletting, the busy corporate exec can get down to the business of despoiling the natural world, controlling governments, pauperizing the workers of the world, and generally making life hell for anyone needing a job, health insurance, good schools for their kids, or a just and humane society in general. Besides legal, working with Catholic Church Enterprises can create enough loopholes that contract enforcement will prove difficult if not impossible. All contracts will become null and void when Consolidated Swine buys Beelzebub Amalgamated in a hostile takeover and announces that Satan will be replaced as CEO by Rupert Murdoch.
As the old saying goes, “Pick your nose in private and pick your Gods with care.” And never, never, pick your God’s nose. Unless you really WANT a ten-inch pianist.

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