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WWF Smackdown! Dad VS. Dinner

January 10th, 2010 · 4 Comments · Comedy/Humor

 My head was pounding and my nerves were shredded. My job was stressing me and my side job was stressing me more. I got nothing in the way of sleep the night before and my wife just filled my ear with grief as she was walking out the door to run errands. Naturally my thoughts turned to dinner.

I had to make child #1 dinner. I wasn’t, well…exactly sure of the whereabouts of child #2.

Activate Bioscanner on child #1. Bioscanner: SUBJECT: CHILD: AGE: 7: GENDER: FEMALE: DIETARY PREFERENCES: OH NO, WE”RE NOT GOING THERE, THAT’S YOUR JOB.

Damn bioscanner!

Hey, where was child # 2? The boy!

I run downstairs. The boy is watching the Wiggles and entertaining himself. Excellent. That fire is put out for a little while.

Now, dinner for child #1, the daughter.

Run back upstairs.

“Honey, what would you like for dinner?”

“Nothing, thank you.”

“Well it’s dinnertime and mom says you have to eat something for dinner.”

“Ramen noodles.”

“Well mom said you’ve had Ramen noodles six times this week and that’s enough Ramen noodles. How about a cheese sandwich and some strawberries and yogurt?”

“No thanks.”

“How about some mac and cheese and some strawberries and yogurt?”

“No thanks.”

A crash! The boy!

Race downstairs.

The DVD player has been knocked over. Place it back in the right spot, hook it up, put the Wiggles back in and okeydokey, the boy is good to go.

Race back upstairs.

“Now about dinner…how about some cereal and some strawberries and yogurt?”

“No thank you.’

“How about some salami, grapes and strawberries and yogurt?”

No thanks.”

“You played at Zoe’s all day and now mom says you really need to eat something.”

“I ate at Zoe’s all day.”

“You ate at Zoe’s? What did you have?”

“Well for breakfast we had waffles and strawberries. For a snack we had yogurt. For lunch we had Ramen noodles. And for another snack we had strawberries and yogurt.”

Crash! The boy!

Run downstairs. The t.v. has been knocked over. Right the t.v., set it up, restart the Wiggles.

Race back upstairs.

“So you ate all day? You’ve already had dinner?”

“Like duh and then some”.

“So you don’t want anything to eat, do you?”

“You’re quick dad.”

Well…

Crash.

The boy!

Race downstairs, The boy played on the treadmill. Jacked it 25 miles an hour. Flew across the room . Impacted with the wall. Unconscious. Administer smelling salts. Boy revives. Kind words, hugs, favorite juice in favorite sippy cup Put boy to bed. Lots of kisses.

Back to child # 1

“So, you pretty much ate already…yeah?”

“Yupperdoodle.”

“So, like mom can’t say I starved you or fed you Skittles or something, huh? Yeah? Right?

“Double yuppperD.”

“Well, you want to go play at Zoe’s?”

“Yeah!

“Ok. Be home at whatever whenver thing directions stuff your mom says. Ok?

“See you Da Da, bye!

Crash!

The boy!

Race to the boy’s room. He’s fallen out of bed.

Pick up boy and hug dearly. Mouth soothing words. Administer you’re ok stuff mom would do if mom were here. Put boy to bed. Read same Curious George book six times. Boy falls asleep.

Phone rings.

“Hi. It’s me. What do you want for dinner?’

“A bottle of Bushmill’s and Tylenol.”

Crash. The boy!

“Gotta run!”

Boy falls out of bed again! Screams. Soothe and hug boy. Give boy forbidden before bedtime chocolate milk. Show the boy sockpuppet doctor to convince him he’s all good. Screams continue Read the Bible. Louder screaming. Read Green Egg s and Ham, Harold and the Purple Crayon, Cat in the Hat. Boy falls asleep smile on face.

Wife comes home.

Refused to buy Bushmill’s, forgot Tylenol.

Eat 6 Midols and have strawberries and yogurt for dinner.

Crash. The boy? No, dad. He’s done.

Dinner accomplished!

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